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The last verse in the Ballad of Curvasaur
Condensed, like Campbell's soup; and secondhand, like my favorite shirt. I only witnessed this through whiny texts, facebook updates, and a series of incredibly irate phone and skype calls from Anthroplodicus. Nobody wants to read all of the flavored-with-splenda chatter and low-calorie vanilla events that went on between the meaty fat ones, so I don't make you.
TL;DR: Fat girl won't bathe at her boyfriend's house, eats through his paycheck and eats all the family's food, helps her formerly-dieting boyfriend overeat to excess insisting she's done no harm because he never got around to buying skinny clothes. Meanwhile, her equally wretched parents make a drastic move to get her away from them. one|two|three|four|five|six|seven|eight|nein|ten|eleven|twelve|thirteen|fourteen|fifteen|sixteen|seventeen
Whatever you do, don't be Curvasaur
Anthroplodicus is in England with stinky post-airport Curvasaur and Laardoynx, who doesn't care because this'll be the first time he's ever touched a boob
Holy shit, diet and exercize made Laardonyx fucking hot!! He was attractive under the CURRRVES, he's not even halfway to his target weight and he's already lookin' pretty fuckin' fine, he could actually get human-sized girls if he wanted to now
Regardless, Curvasaur's soon coming up on a week without showering now and nobody's saying anything to her because she's out a lot, and Laardonyx doesn't care because he gets to touch her oily unwashed cottage-cheese titties
Yes, that's correct, she didn't shower after the airport, and has been changing everyday into clothes she didn't wash since the last time she wore them
And she has been going out in public like this
To be perfectly clear, she's been going to restaurants like this, specifically. She and Laardonyx have blown through the last of what money he had left going on a tour of every restaurant in the area.
Her hair and skin have a greasy sheen to them
It becomes undisputable that Juggallodon was the last cleaning force in her life, she's just going to let stuff rot off her from now on, you guess
It's even worse because she and Laardonyx are having frequent intercourse, so she's getting quite sweaty every day
Even that's not enough to counteract her encouraging Laardonyx to fall right back off the wagon, he's starting to plump back up; he's got to have put five pounds right back on already
There's an odor permeating out into the hall and a bit of the way into the rest of the house coming from their room, where all curvasaur's nasty unwashed stuff's kept and she sleeps
Wavy green lines rise off Curvasaur as she goes down to the fridgerator and starts annihilating the family's food
They're trying to be polite for poor Laardoynx, but finally his poor sister can't take it anymore
She speaks up- "Curvasaur, dear, you know, you're entitled to the shower whenever you'd like it, there's no need to wait for permission."
Laardonyx's incredibly British family spit their tea in unison, OOOOOOOH
Curvasaur is unaware she just got told in British because she's only fluent in Murricah, gathers ingredients to make another six everything burritoes
"Laardonyx, do you want three eveything burritoes, or four?"
Laardonyx wants all eight everything burritoes to himself, baby- the diet is over and Curvasaur is here with the buffet
Curvasaur insists Laardonyx is but skin and bones so it's totally OK for her to feed him, but he's rapidly gaining back weight he lost on his diet
She cites that his fat clothes are still falling off him as evidence she's not ruining his effort
She points out her clothes are falling off too, so she must be losing weight because the food here hasn't got preservatives and that's nicer to her perfectly healthy thyroid or something
And yet, her facial features are receding behind a veil of lard and she's developed another chin ...
Maybe they're falling off... BECAUSE SHE NEVER WASHES THEM
Just as Laardonyx's parents are thinking of sending Curvasaur back home and scolding their son, Velassoraptor (Curvasaur's mom) calls up to tell Curvasaur they "lost" the "house" (it's an apartment), so she's homeless now
This goes unquestioned, because Curvasaur's parents are terrible people with terrible financial skills and they've been bleeding Laardonyx dry for months
They make a bunch of updates about couch surfing on their publicly veiwable facebook pages, it truly does appear they've finally beetused their way to homelessness
Curvasaur is sad, she cries and begs to stay longer to see if they find a new apartment or trailer
Shackled by their britishness, they agree to let her stay as long as she's legally allowed to while she finds living arrangements for when she inevitably has to go back to the united states.
Turns out she can legally stay for up to three months
Anthroplodicus doesn't change her ticket and flies back home, having been milked by Laardonyx and Curvasaur for the cost of a few planetmeals at local dining establishments; she has a perfectly tolerable flight back home with a full seat at her disposal
Curvasaur keeps eating Laardonyx's whole family's food, their pace accellerates once "anorexic bitch" Anthroplodicus isn't there to fatshame her anymore
Laardonyx's clothes stop falling off, he regains significant mass as Curvasaur cooks him ridiculously oversize meals and insists on frequent takeouts
Laardonyx sells quite a lot of his stuff to afford Curvasaur's meals
Interestingly, Curvasaur's parents seem to have forgotten they were homeless or poor and are posting about restaurants they've eaten at recently and a whole bunch of things they've done that cost money
Weird, top reporter Anthrolodicus investigates
Anthroplodicus goes to visit their apartment to see what's up-- the property's still trashed, it's uncertain whether they live there
Asks around to see what's up, it seems they're actually couch surfing, but they're getting a new place without Curvasaur soon.
They purposely lost their apartment and feigned destitute poverty to get rid of Curvasaur.
Curvasaur comes back to America, Laardonyx's family scolds him for his choices, and Curvasaur has to surf couches separately from her parents, who cackle at having finally gotten Curvasaur out
hopefully Curvasaur is OK and has learned better behavior and stopped surfing TiTP in favor of getting a job
That's my last Curvasaur story right now
- girl who's gone from salvagably obese to fullblown planet since I met her flatout rejects hygene as a basic concept
- feeds all the progress right back off her dieting boyfriend
- is a generally horrible guest and burdens her host family financially by overeating
- Causes her formerly forever-alone boyfriend to run through his life savings and sell a bunch of his stuff to feed her future diabeetus
- her (terrible) parents literally give up their apartment just so Curvasaur won't come back to it